Even If

"Blessed is the King who is coming in the name of Adonai!" "Shalom in heaven!" and "Glory in the Highest places!" Some of the P'rushim in the crowd said to him, "Rabbi! Reprimand your talmidim!" But he answered them, "I tell you that if they keep quiet, the stones will shout!" Luke 19:38-40

I will not give my praise to a rock or a stone! I can not keep quiet about what Adonai has been doing over the past month. I do no not believe that He moves in our lives for us to sit back and not turn that praise and glory back to Him, and if we do, there will be other ways that He will be given the glory due His name, even if it is by a rock.

While there is so much that has happened over the past month to give praise and testimony for, there is one specific incident I want to focus on that was the most impactful for me. Before I get into the praise aspect, I have to show how we do continually fight against principalities, powers, and spiritual wickedness in high places. (Ephesians 6:12) There are scriptures that if you have been in church for very long, you know and you add to your toolbox.

The thief comes only in order to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come so that they may have life, life in its fullest measure. John 10:10

Our western translations of Isaiah 59:19, specifically the KJV reads, So shall they fear the name of the Lord from the west, and his glory from the rising of the sun. When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord shall life up a standard against him. I have quoted this in this translation for years, and even did so this month, but then I read today in my Jewish Study Bible and it reads in an entirely different way, that takes on a whole new meaning. In the west they will fear the name of Adonai, and likewise, in the east his glory. For he will come like a pent-up stream, impelled by the Spirit of Adonai. When we read it in this translation, the enemy is not referenced and the fullness of context seems to talk about Adonai Himself. Backing up one verse it says, He repays according to their deeds - fury to his foes, reprisal to his enemies; to the coastlands he will repay their due. And when we go back even further in verse 17 you will find the armor of God.

For God gave us a Spirit who produces not timidity, but power, love and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

I can do all things through him who gives me power. Philippians 4:13

There is one specific incident while at the hospital with my mom in which I was in my own personal spiritual fight while she was fighting physically. They came to get her for an arteriogram, a scan of her brain with contrast, and I had the opportunity to speak to the radiology doctor, who was very candid and honest with me. As we walked down the hall with her to do the scan, he let me know it would take about one hour, and when I asked him what he thought we were really looking at from her CT scans, he said that to him it looked more like an aneurysm than a stroke, but that we wouldn't know for sure until the scan was completed. As they got her into the room, he escorted me into the waiting area. What he didn't know was that during that conversation, fear like I have never known slammed into me. This wasn't ordinary fear, it was true terror. I knew that I was in spiritual shock and that this wasn't fear of this world, it was oppressive, it was suffocating, and everything in me wanted to melt down, crawl into myself, and cry. It was directly from the enemy.

I have to take a moment and give credit to the show The Chosen and talk about their writing and how relevant it is to our lives. In S2E2 we are introduced to Nathaniel. They created a backstory for him that set up the plausible reason to why he was under the fig tree. His world was falling apart, he was broken and at his lowest point. This scene depicts exactly where I was while in that waiting room. He sat down under the tree and tried to pray and couldn't. He then tried to pray the Shema and again, couldn't. The third time, he began reciting Psalm 102. Prayer of a sufferer overcome by weakness and pouring out his complaint before Adonai: [1] Adonai, hear my prayer! Let my cry for help reach you! [2] Don't hide your face from me when I am in such distress! Turn your ear toward me; when I call, be quick to reply! When he meets Yeshua at the end of the episode, Yeshua tells him, "I did not turn my face from you. I saw you, under the fig tree."

I bring this up, because it relates so strongly to where I was. As I was in that waiting room, I had my phone in hand, my Hebrew Bible app open to the book of Psalms and while texting multiple people, I was trying to pray the scriptures I knew to stand on in the midst of trouble. I was trying to read the book of Psalms. I was trying to stand and see the salvation of my God. I was failing. I was pacing that waiting room, terror covering me like a blanket and finally said, "God! I can't do this! I don't know what to do! I need You because I can't do this without You!" With trembling hands, I opened a message from my aunt who lives in Georgia which simply read, "Isaiah 41:10. That is the scripture the Lord gave me." I quickly looked it up and as I paced I began to read it out loud over and over. Don't be afraid, for I am with you; don't be distressed, for I am your God. I give you strength, I give you help, I support you with my victorious right hand." That verse began to fight back the terror and darkness I was enveloped it, and I am beyond thankful that my aunt heard His voice and shared it with me. As the fear started to recede I felt so strongly in my spirit what I needed to pray, and I vocally said, "God, I DON'T want to pray that!" But I knew that I had to, I had been publicly posting about standing on this scripture and now, it came time for the rubber to meet the road. I stopped and looked through the widows of the doors where my mother was in a room just on the other side and with a shattered heart, that translated into physical as well as spiritual pain I cried out, "God, EVEN IF you don't save her life, EVEN IF you take her home, EVEN IF our lives are not going to be the same and I have to live with and take care of her, I am going to praise You. I am going to serve You. I know that I can not love my mother more than I love You, so I give her to you, as Abraham did Isaac. I lay her on that alter and stand before this furnace and say, EVEN IF YOU DON'T, I WILL NOT BOW DOWN!" I have to point out, at the time that I finally broke and prayed this, that "about an hour" time-frame had come and gone, so my anxiety was through the roof, and I naturally was thinking the worst.

A few moments after praying this, my husband had made it back to the hospital after coming home to take care of a few things. He had been gone the majority of the day as the drive for us is just around 2 hours one way, and within a few moments of him getting back, the doctor came out to talk to us. THIS is the testimony portion of this story that shows even though I am weak, and finite He is strong and infinite. First, the doctor apologized for it taking so much longer than normal, because my mother had struggled through some of the scans when she needed to be still, so it was a little more difficult for them go get the shots they needed. Then, what he said next blew my mind. While they knew the area where the blood was, there was no aneurysm, he said there was no evidence of even a stroke. They could see the blood but they could not find where it came from. There was no sign of origin. He wanted to do an MRI to try to get a better idea and map it, but that scan would end up being cancelled and never done. My reaction when he shared this with us, was very simple. I threw my hands into the air and I began praising Adonai right there in front of the doctor.

Reading back over this the thing that stands out of course, is the miracle of my mom, but there was another miracle that took place within my heart. I found myself faced with a fiery furnace the enemy created for me. I had a choice, I could bow down to my fear, or while in the midst of my fear pray, "even if", and mean it. When I prayed that prayer, a shell around my heart broke and scattered. I have found a freedom in Him that I have never known, because in that short amount of time that she was in that scan, Adonai set this captive free. We can list all of the moments of the Hebrew people that we use for spiritual analogies, He brought me out of Egypt, He parted the Red Sea, He went before me and fought the battle, He shut the mouths of the lions, etc. and they are all accurate. The difference is, this time it became tangible, I could touch it, I could taste it, I could feel it. It wasn't just something I knew in my head from reading my Bible or hearing a sermon. He took my messy prayer, wrapped up in a desperate cry and He moved mountains in my mom's life as well as my own. He did not turn His face from me in the moment of my distress. He saw me. He came to me. He answered me and lifted me up, and He showed me, without question that HE IS the I AM, and I need not fear like that ever again. I wanted the upper room experience, I got the Daniel experience and I wouldn't change it, because as He walks with me, He is there with me and He refines me in that fire. He gets all the glory, and I will continue to give Him all praise.